Dude, You're Gay

I had a really good conversation tonight with a close friend of mine who outed himself to me. He's not keep it a secret from people or anything, but the discussion was very enlightening. It really helped me understand him better and where he's coming from. A lot of what we talked about concerned gay culture within the context of the punk rock scene, as he's very much a part of it and I am involved in that subculture, as well.

Just my mentioning this probably betrays my naivete, but... rather than identifying himself as bisexual (which he called a "semantics game"), he said that identifies himself as queer. The reason for this was that he is also attracted to transgendered people of any type. I'd never heard someone say that before, as I'm used to people saying that they're either gay, bisexual, or transgendered. The idea of someone not limiting themselves to that had never occured to me.

One of the things he lamented was how so many gay youth are expected to go to gay bars, where alcohol is mixed with sexual experiences and they're expected to use party drugs. He doesn't feel comfortable mixing intoxication with sex in any way, shape, or form and I have to say that I feel the same. Part of that has to do with the fact that he doesn't take part in drugs, alcohol, or smoking (a stance I take, as well), but it's also just the fact that that can really fuck you up and wreck your life. It's sad to see so many kids falling into this trap, especially considering that gay bars are known for serving underagers (and getting away with it). A common reaction to that, I would imagine (especially from religious conservatives), would be "Well, that's just what comes with the territory of being gay," and that's pretty sad. It doesn't matter if someone's sexual orientation is the result of biology, conditioning, or making a choice. The fact of the matter is, it's hard for people in the GLBT community to connect and socialize with others because of those obstacles. And that's a real shame.

One thing that he found to be a source of hope and excitement, however, especially regarding the aforementioned, was the resurgence of punk bands that are "in your face" about being queer. I can't recall the names of them offhand, but some that I know of are Condenada, Faggot, and Limp Wrist. This is notable because despite the expectation of people in punk and hardcore being accepting of homosexuality, homophobia is very strong in it and the words "gay" and "faggot" are regularly used to mock and degrade people (something that, after tonight, I feel like I should stop doing). And it's not so much a matter of those words offending someone and them not being "P.C."... it's the fact that it makes people who actually are homophobic feel like it's acceptable for them to act the way that they do at shows. The same thing goes for racist jokes to a certain extent. And I could go on and on about how I've seen that happen at moshcore shows for several years and how disgusting it really is. A similar incident happened a show not long ago, where a band said, during their set, "This song is called 'I'd Rape Someone Like You Just To Traumatize You'." Considering that, by conservative estimates, one out of every three women will experience sexual abuse at some point in their life, that's not too cool. Especially considering that a good number of people at the show were females, and a high percentage of the ones involved in punk and hardcore have been sexually abused. Not to mention the number of males who have been sexually abused at some point in their life, many of whom connect to punk and hardcore, as well. Saying something like that is really alienating, not to mention hurtful. But it's much more than just how the words offend people. It's the feelings, beliefs, and mindset behind them that are the real issue.

shalom,

tim